Victory ice-cream

What if your child did reach out? What would you do?

Mine tapped at the door (online, let’s be real here) and said, “I still love you. You're still my mum. I want you to be proud of me. Look what I did! Look at how cool things are! Look how I'm thriving! Look how you've influenced me! Look how safe I am! Look, mum, look!” Then finished with a reminder not to contact her.

What do I do? Rejoice? Run? Reply? nope. freeze.

I feel like a squirrel who can't decide whether to run all the way across the road or double back to safety. At first I felt such a deep sense of sadness. Then the self-hatred flowed from my body with each release of my breath, each step I took. This acknowledgment that I am a not a failure as a mother felt like a retraction printed the bottom of page 8.

And holy shit.

I'm scared to death. I'm afraid of losing the ground I've covered since I wanted to die, to exit a place where I often laugh again. I’ve had so much therapy, I'm pretty sure I bought my therapist a racehorse. I have accepted that my daughter doesn't love/need/appreciate/like/admire/care about me anymore. I respect that my daughter is an adult, and I have to accept her choices whether or not I like them.

What do I want to do? Say, 'Gone and forgotten!' send her an excellent pan I want her to own and chat on the phone for ten hours about all the news. Her dad can kiss my ass, but I love her no matter what.