Billie Eilish has parents who got it right

Billie Eilish has a doc on Apple TV+. At the end she acknowledges her parents and how they allowed her the freedom to do whatever she wanted. She was able to explore her interests and pursue her dreams. I felt that we parented this way at our house. Super-supportive and encouraging with no pressure to be anything in particular. The big difference between our house and theirs was that Billie did a great deal with her brother, without parental input. How many of us would also say that we feel as though we did everything for our estranged adult child?

I’m going out on a limb here, but I suspect those of us who are experiencing adult child estrangement did a great deal for our kids, and perhaps too much WITH our kids. There is research emerging on the growing phenomenon of estranged adult children. It suggests that we parents are so involved in our kids’ lives that they are not experiencing something known as differentiation. Differentiation is essential. Our kids need to break away from us and be themselves without our constant interference. Even though we parents are well-meaning, we unknowingly suffocate them. They leave us so that they can breathe. They have to breathe to live. And we want them to live, right? I mean really and truly live. Try everything. Be fearless. Grab the world by the balls. That’s what we want for these kids that we love so very much. A brilliant and exciting life that they live fully as themselves. We held them so tight trying to make this their reality, that we squeezed the love right out of them.

I wish I had a time machine so that I could be a different mother for my daughter. I wish I never had her work with me. We were too close. It was so much fun and I truly believed (and I think she did, too) that we were an awesome mum/daughter duo. I was so proud of the work we did together. She called me her best friend. But I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been her best friend. We were too close. We often talked about how we were like the Gilmore Girls. Now I see how dysfunctional that relationship was. How Rory had too much Lorelei in her life.

I can’t redo the past and I can’t make her change her feelings. Her experience is valid because it’s hers. I will live with her loss on my heart forever. Having some insight into what I did wrong gives me strength. The knowledge that I acted only out of love eases the burden.

Whatever happened between you and your child was likely also misguided parenting. I wonder how many of us didn’t have stellar parenting role models or were trying to do things differently than our parents did. I tried to be the mum I wish I’d had. I know she did her best, but she was often misguided. Same with my dad. I know they did what they thought was best. I love them for doing the best they could with what they knew.

It’s too late for my daughter and me but it’s not too late for my younger kids. My son and step-daughter will be given the space to differentiate. My son needs a summer job but there’s no way in hell it will be with me! When we know better, we do better. We must forgive ourselves for not being perfect parents. Perhaps we also must forgive them for needing to be away from us so that they can breathe.

Back in our Gilmore Girls days. If you told me what was coming, I would not have believed it.