I don’t know how to not be your mum.

I vowed to never look at your Twitter feed again. The pain of seeing my words taken out of context and then used as ammunition is too much. I streamed and streamed your music and liked your music. I encouraged and continued to be your biggest champion in the only way I could. Behind a mask. I spoke up when I was slandered and you lied about me. Before the day I'd given up I almost made another mistake. I was ordering a bunch of goodies for the annual easter egg eggstravaganza. I ordered some for you. I chatted with family about whether or not it was a good idea. I don't want you to think I don't love you or that I've given up on you. I'm scared to upset you again. Always so scared to upset you. I placed the order. 20 minutes later I had a tightness in my chest that felt like the biggest 'listen to your gut' moment I've ever had. Order cancelled. Relief. No longer terrified of what my daughter will do/say when I think I'm being a good mum.