SMH

These days I’m finding myself in situations that my estranged child knows far more about than I do. I wish I could tell her about them and that she could share her wisdom with me.
For her entire life I shared everything I knew and everything I had with her. My heart, my knowledge, my skills, my clothes. It still feels surreal that she regards our past as abusive.

I wish she had finished school. Or that she was my business partner and that we were building a family empire. Her brother would be there, too. A family business that sustains it’s people is such a gift. I built one that could have been and should have been a huge part of my legacy. I have mentored another young girl, younger than my daughter. I’m so proud of her. She appreciates my guidance. I am grateful to her for filling the hole in my soul left by my ED who sees no value in having me mother her. My parents did very little other than a roof and the basics and I appreciate and respect them. Because they are my parents.

I lived for my girl. What a poor application of time and energy that has turned out to be. What a fool I was to miss the act that she was putting on. I can not go back and devote every one of those moments to my son, other members of my family, charity, and those whose lives are enriched by love and attention, but I can stop holding space for her now.

I gave all that I had with all of my heart. In return, I was abandoned with homicidal intent. She wished me dead. Abandoned and abused by my child.

I was such a damned fool. SMH.

I should thank my lucky stars she decided to leave as I would have taken it for the rest of my days.

But no more hate. Only love. Only love allowed in my home, my body, my soul, my world. Love in and love out.

I closed up my old wounds. I opened a new business. A rebirth of sorts. Nothing of the old ways will remain soon enough.

Good riddance hatred.

She bragged that she ‘slayed the goblin’. Posted images depicting my decapitation. Except there is no goblin and there never was.

I had to stop paying attention to the hate and letting it permeate my soul. I needed to stop believing the nonsense she was peddling. I had to say no, you’re wrong. Because she is. I know she will never accept that she could be wrong. She has too much energy invested in her narrative. She’s involved too many other people for her to ever admit that she may have made an error in judgement. If nothing else, my daughter is very focused on her brand. She would never admit to having been so unbelievably, unconscionably cruel and destructive towards a mother who loves her. It has to be my fault. I’ve seen her be her own worst enemy so many times before.

I know she does not care about me, or anyone that isn’t serving her, in agreement with her, elevating her perceived social status, or that is in her way. This is why I am walking away. I have done my part and everything in my power to make things right with my daughter. She has done absolutely nothing, made no effort, accepted none of the responsibility. I have seen how she treats others. I know how this ends with my girl. It’s always the other person’s shortcomings that caused the end of the relationship. She did nothing to cause a problem. Innocent always.

I have nothing more to write in this chapter of my life.

Thank you for reading and coming along this journey with me. I sincerely wish you closure with your heartache. A happy life requires our full attention. The people we love and who love us are the only ones worthy of our time. Every minute I spend on my ED is a minute not spent on joy. I have been going back to the well of sadness, grief and misery with every thought, every musing, every blog post. No more.

Every one of us can make a choice to treat each day as the gift that it is. Learn something new. Serve others. Hug. Love. Cook. Walk outdoors. Massage your pet (yes, this is a thing and they LOVE it). Call a friend and truly listen to them. Be kind to everyone, every day. Pick up trash. Paint the fence. Learn to bake sourdough. Go eco! Every wonderful little thing in every day is a building block in your happy life. Never forget that you once had a little child and you loved that child with all of your heart. You are a good parent. You did your best. Now, say goodbye because that little child is gone and is not coming back. My therapist said, she died the last time she was loving. This new person is not the child you miss. She is gone and isn’t coming back. If the person she is now came back, how would that be? How would she treat you? What would your days be like? What would you sacrifice to try to get her to love and appreciate and respect you? How would that end up?

Plant a tree in their memory if you need something ceremonial. Then close that door and live a joyful life. When you think of them, don’t cry. Shake your head in disbelief, then move on to the next wonderful moment. That’s what I’m going to do.

with love, peace and kindness.

edit: This journal was started because, Jessica, the multi-degree professional who has helped me weather this storm, asked me to write my thoughts down. Writing is an outlet for my feelings, my thoughts, my frustrations, my love. I choose to no longer place all of this at the feet of my family. Thoughts and feelings and frustrations and love don’t stop, so this journal doesn’t stop. Being a mother doesn’t stop. Once you’re a mother, you’re a mother. Children leave in all sorts of tragic ways. Motherhood never stops.

This journal is my space to be a feeling, imperfect, learning, wounded, healing mum. You are welcome, always.