2022 - you came back
In 2022 you came back to me. You said you’d been very mentally ill and you hated your dad for taking you away and letting you make mistake after mistake. You blamed him for, well, everything. You were very, very unwell, picking at your skin, sobbing several times a day, wanting to harm yourself. We sequestered ourselves in an AirBNB for privacy for a few weeks. We talked and talked and talked. We cried, we yelled, we apologized and we did a puzzle. You decided to go tree planting so I filled my Amazon cart with bright vests and began to figure out a way to let you take my car, just in case a tent was hot and buggy and too much to endure. (Me trying to make sure you suffer as little as possible, as always. HUGE mistake.). You wanted to end your life. I took you to the professionals and you received a diagnosis from CAMH (the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) of bi-polar disorder 1 and borderline personality disorder. I became your partner in your journey of healing. I dropped everything, abandoning my life to be there for you. I risked so much. I was a fool. You had a new excuse for your previous assault upon me. It was a psychotic break and it no longer counted. You weren’t responsible for your behaviour as it was your illnesses talking. What a relief. That means I WAS a good mom, that I didn’t abuse you and that you had made up all sorts of things, written them down, sent them to my clients, my friends and family. But none of it was true and now you were back and everything could get better.
So, I got you back into university. I was going to pay for rent on a whole apartment, rather than a student place, as I wasn’t sure if I’d need to come and stay with you; to hold your hand while you got your uni legs back. We settled on a room in a student house instead. It was all guys, so you’d not go through the girl drama that had plagued you in your teens. Guys are so much easier going. I furnished that room. You cried about your clothes all being at your dad’s. I spent thousands outfitting you. I gave you many, many things of my own. Valuable things. Things I worked my ass off to purchase for myself. I never hesitated to share what I valued with you. My work, my skills, my things, my time, my heart. You were always very open to take these from me. You are a taker. I am a giver.
But it’s never enough. Never.
Once again, only a few months after you came back, once again my mothering, my efforts, my generosity and my love wasn’t enough. I am not allowed to have a perspective, a say, an opinion that differs from yours. You see me as an idiot and the cause of all of your problems.
2022 you came back. You got what you needed and then you left. Again.